Vent

I have been debating on writing this blog for a few days now. I didn't want to sound whiny, ungrateful,selfish, or come off as being a bad person, but I decided that I might get some helpful advice and it just feels better to get it out sometimes. So please don't judge or think I am a horrible person for what I am about to say. I just need to talk. My little Jameson is still not sleeping. We are starting out 8th week now. I am exhausted to the max! You all know what comes with sleep deprivation.....crankiness, crying, yelling, depression....all that good stuff. I have experienced all of those at one time lately. I am emotionally, physically, and sadly enough spiritually drained. You also know that Satan preys on those who are sleep deprived as well, or at least he does me. I used to lay awake at night begging God to let Jameson sleep and give him peace and rest. Lately I have been laying in bed at night asking God why he would do this to me and finding myself very angry. I have even gotten to the point where I don't want to pray anymore for rest or sleep because He hasn't answered any of my other prayers. I know that God answers "yes, no, and wait". My answer right now must be "Wait". I just don't understand why we are waiting. How can He see me depressed, crying, angry, tired, resentful, etc. and not do something about it? That is my biggest question right now. Not only is my relationship with God hurting, but my relationship with Rusty is non existent, and at times, as bad as I hate to admit it, I just want to take Jameson and leave him at Gam's or GiGi's(grandmother's) for a few hours just to have a break! Why would God allow this to happen? To add to the pile, we are STILL building our house. Rusty is STILL outside all day and all night working. He comes home from work says "hi", goes out to the new house, works until supper, goes back out to the house, comes in and we go to bed. We have no relationship and I have no help. The other night I was so close to slapping him in the head if he snored one more time. While I am up with Jameson or laying in the bed arguing with God, he is steadily snoring. I love him to death and I know he is stressed to the max with the house, but come on. Also, you all know Christmas is quickly approaching. Christmas also requires money and time to buy presents. Well, I have no time to shop and little money to do it with due to the house. So that also has me all stressed out. Now, all of this being said, I love my life, my husband, and Jameson more than you will ever know. I wouldn't trade these sleepless nights for anything because it means that my Jameson is alive and well. I know that there are so many people who would love to wake up at night with their baby if they could just have one. I do not regret having Jameson. I love that little turkey to death. I know that Satan is attacking me right now. I also know that God will provide the money for Christmas and the house. I know that this is a season I am going through and it will end as quickly as it came on, but I am to my breaking point and have no one to talk to. So I blog! I also know that sleep deprivation makes things seem so much bigger and worse than they really are. I am aware of all of this. I just needed to get it out. Please know that I am so thankful for all that God has provided for me and my family. I am in a valley right now and can't see the top of the mountain. All I ask is that you pray for my spirit and that God will answer our prayers for sleep soon. I hope you don't think any less of me and know that I am only human. Thanks for reading.